The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

**Chortles**
02:01 Nov 28 2010
Times Read: 854

Concerned about her past relationships, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"







After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try... on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh... when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."







The woman loves the idea, and feels her hubby will fall for this.





They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.





The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.





Things begin to progress, her hubby 'slips it in', she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the f*** was that."





The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."





The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!”

**Giggles**
16:46 Nov 25 2010
Times Read: 868




One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.

Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.

"Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, Ahh "that is so good!

I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink.

"Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman." 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.

She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too.

**Giggles**
00:26 Nov 25 2010
Times Read: 877

With time, women gain weight because they accumulate so much information and wisdom in their heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of their bodies.



So they aren't heavy, they are enormously cultured,

Educated and happy...



Beginning today, when you look at your backside in the mirror you will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!

Must be where 'Smart Arse' came from!

**Giggles**
00:35 Nov 22 2010
Times Read: 895

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.





She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.





She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.





He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.





She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.





'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'





The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.







You were only 16.







Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.





The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.





'Yes, I do' she replies.





The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.





'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'







'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.







The husband continues.





'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'



'I remember that too' she replies softly.





He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...





'I would have been released today.'

**Grins**
00:09 Nov 18 2010
Times Read: 909

IDIOT SIGHTINGS.



My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.



Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, ‘yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.



Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.





IDIOT SIGHTING:



We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.



He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not.



Four is larger than two.'



We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich, Qld.





IDIOT SIGHTING :



I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.



The reason:



'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here!



I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'



Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.





IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:



My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'



He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.





From Bankstown, Sydney.



IDIOT SIGHTING:



I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'



This happened in Elizabeth S.A.



IDIOT SIGHTING:



The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.



She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.



I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'



She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.





IDIOT SIGHTING:



When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.



We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.



'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'





STAY ALERT!

They walk among us...

**Guffaw**
00:13 Nov 10 2010
Times Read: 926

**Giggles**

00:11:58 - Nov 10 2010

Times Read: 1



ADMIN: | EDIT | DELETE |





An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.



The daughter said to her mother,

'My hands are freezing cold.'



The mother replied,

'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.



The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,



'My hands are freezing cold.'



The girl replied,



'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.



He said,



'My nose is cold.'



The girl replied



'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.



The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,







'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,

and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'



Concerned the mother said,



'Why yes..... why do you ask?'



The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

**Giggles**
18:02 Nov 01 2010
Times Read: 950

As we are three quarters into the year 2010, I want to thank all the people who sent me all those educational e-mails over the past year.



I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.







I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor do I have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.







I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.







I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.







I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.







Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.







I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.







I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.







ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.







I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.







I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates / Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.







I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.







I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.







I can't go out and enjoy a cocktail that someone buys me.



It might be laced with Rupees.







I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.







I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.







THANKS TO THEM I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.







BECAUSE OF THEIR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.







I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.







I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under G_d" on their cans.







I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.







AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.







I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.







I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.







I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.







And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.







I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.







THANKS TO THEM I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.







AND THANKS TO THEIR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 in coins dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.







I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.







I can't do any gardening because I’m afraid I'll be bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.







If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.



I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin’s best friend's beautician.







Oh, by the way.....







A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.







Don't bother taking it off now, it’s too late.







P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.